Letter 45

Dear Herkus,

It’s the same day so I’ll send this as a part two with my last letter. 

A quick joke:

Knock, knock (you say “Who’s there?’) Little old lady (you say “Little old lady who?”) I didn’t know you could yodel! 

I read it in a book and wanted to see what you think. I haven’t tried telling it to anyone else. So far most of my jokes don’t work out so I figured I could test it on you first. 

We are about to set out to try to locate some instruments that were stolen from the temple of the five. There are some fey bards who are resentful towards the goddess Palladia. Have I mentioned that she is Rendu’s mother? So naturally he would like to go look for them on her behalf. 

I stayed back today while the rest of the group took on a job unofficially for the noble I mentioned prior. Our list of tasks grows longer and longer while we are here. I’m concerned we may never complete everything. Enslaved minotaurs, kidnapped children, stolen instruments, people turned to stone, missing bards, the great games, so so so so many things. My head spins just thinking about it. 

The big picture is most obviously to defeat the titans and ensure peace. But under that there are so many layers of uncertainty that are saturated in the color gray. It’s not always easy for me to see the right thing the way it seems to be for the others. It isn’t that I lack convictions, but so much of my life was spent concerned with well… myself. A small speck within the universe and my greatest concern has always been to avoid passing on this curse. Beyond that… I nearly feel ashamed at how narrow my view has always been. I don’t believe I am unkind. And I truly do care for others, I just don’t always know HOW to care for them. As soon as someone tries to get close or I feel close to them I am instantly uncomfortable and want to run away as fast as possible. I also always worry if my tender feelings for another are just another manifestation of my selfishness. By showing care for others I feel happy… But is that really kindness? Is that wrong? I’ve done more healing lately and it gives me such a great sense of pride, but is that what motivates me to do it in the first place? The gratification I feel? Honestly I don’t know. I want to be liked so desperately even when I know how prickly and unlikeable I am at times. 

For example my very first potion turned out well! Tha mi a ’guidhe gun robh thu air innse dhomh mar as urrainn dhut a bhith a’ falach searbhas freumh elf. No is dòcha gu bheil mi dìreach gun a bhith a ’cuimhneachadh mar bu chòir 1. I gave it to Torag. I’m not sure why I don’t seem capable of just saying “Here Torag, thank you for always putting yourself in front of danger for those of us who are casters and have to focus on that. I appreciate what you do and I hope this helps keep you safe.” Nope, couldn’t do it. As soon as I gave it to him, I was irritated. He’s a good person and strong and capable, but I just felt so… prickly when I handed it to him. I felt defensive over nothing. Stupid ox. He better not die again. 

The mushroom stew turned out not bad! It was eaten by all so that says something. It wasn’t as good as yours but I think with practice I might come close. Would you please send me some of your recipes? I know you have them memorized but I would still like to learn them, so please write them down. It made me so happy to have something ready for the rest of the group when they got back today. They each had a long day and I hope coming back to a warm meal helped them. I think next time I would like to attempt your potato and greens casserole. I bet Leef and Clio would like it at least. 

I’ve been wracking my brain trying to figure out how Khar’shan could put such a cloud over this house. It’s like a massive memory modification spell that shrouds this place. Ilharg helped me look around today for any kind of cursed object that might contribute to it, but we found nothing. He’s a good fellow. He doesn’t seem bothered by much and not at all by my personality. Maybe he will become a good friend? 

I really hope we find something useful tonight looking for the instruments. I also hope we can do all the other things we have set before us. I hate seeing my comrades so frustrated. I feel guilty that while I care about things, I am mostly just biding my time and hoping I can assist them in some way. Should I offer to do more? Can they trust me to succeed in such important things? I suppose as long as I don’t really have to speak to anyone then there shouldn’t be a problem right? I’m no good when it comes to convincing or deceiving a person. Let’s hope I’m not needed for anything like that huh?

gaol agus gràdh,


P.S. I’ve decided that Shadow is moss. It’s such a multifaceted plant that can be essential to survival. It also likes the dark and if I were to call a plant unpredictable this would be it. Torag would be a Kapok Tree. His horns remind me of their thorns and how brutish and intimidating they look when you first see them. Many people just don’t understand that the thorns and thick trunk create a barrier of protection for smaller weaker animals.

  1. Druidic: I  wish you had told me how you are able to mask the bitterness of elf root. Or maybe I am just not remembering correctly.