Regardless of how much I think I have grown and learned, there is still so much I don’t understand. Just about people, me, interactions in general.
I accused Rendu of using a spell that affected all of us. Like when I was learning magic and didn’t realize the impact it could have to those around me. But no one else was affected! (Except maybe Shadow which is even MORE confusing…) He wasn’t using one. It took me longer than I would like to admit to realize what was happening to me. It took Actaeon explaining to Shadow that “when a mommy centaur and a daddy centaur love each other very much…” It’s so obvious now I feel sick, and not the good sick like when he winks. Nope, the stupid sick. No wonder everyone looked at me as though I was a fool. Tha mi cho tàmailteach. Tha mi a ’faireachdainn mar amadan mar sin. Tha mi airson snàgail a-steach don talamh1.
What must he think of me? What must they all think of me? I acted so high and mighty and yet I am just so ignorant as to everything that has to do with feelings and other people. Is this what you meant when you said pride would hurt the most after the fall? How could I be so silly? He doesn’t even have enough legs!
I suppose I shouldn’t panic. If this is what attraction is like then I still don’t have to worry. There’s no relief in it. And upon further thought anything to do with the curse would have to result in a child. So no, he’s safe regardless of my idiotic feelings.
Why does that thought hurt though? When I think of how he would absolutely never look at me and feel sick in a good way, or how his pulse will never increase if I attempted to wink… I just feel sad. And that is possibly the most amaideach2 part of all of this. Also I don’t even KNOW him. Am I that desperate and I didn’t even realize it?
But then he asked me to help him with the qualifiers and I didn’t care at all about any of that. I just wanted to be there for him. I wanted to help him succeed. I cheered for everyone in our group but why was I so thrilled when he asked for my help? Am I really that pathetic?
I need to do some funeral rights for someone soon. It’s one of the few distractions that still works. If I start on this track who knows what I’ll do. If I start thinking about someone like this, it could spiral into a desire to know what it’s like to truly love someone. Then, what if I start looking for the person who will give this curse relief? Then I’ll fall in love and I won’t be able to help it and I’ll be just like my parents and I kill us both just by existing and the cycle will start all over again and IT’S TOO MUCH!
I need nature. I need to get away from this. Maybe I’ll head to the vineyards soon to be away from all these people.
We took down the Burning Sun’s Avatar. No one died this time. So that’s good.
I hired someone to help us, and I’m proud of myself for that.
I just want to come home. I miss you and being alone.
gaol agus gràdh,
P.S. If someone hands you a shovel to “dig yourself out” but you’re not in an hole what does that mean?
1: I’m so embarrassed. I feel like such a fool. I want to crawl into the ground.