Letter 25


A lot has happened. Hopefully you are reading these in order because it might get even more muddled. 

To relight the forge we had to redo the elementals contract (after a lot of negotiations within our own group) and to get the contract we had to fight a terrible beast. A behir. It was not a good fight.

The Ox… No Torag, went down. When his last breath left him I couldn’t figure out why it was raining inside, and then realized I was crying. Crying for this minotaur who frustrated me in so many ways. I felt guilty and selfish and hateful at the world because I knew, I KNEW he didn’t deserve what happened. We were all shocked and we felt helpless. Shadow and Flee the worst. But I suddenly wanted nothing more than to take back any hurtful or hateful thought I had ever had towards him. He may be a dumb Ox at times but he was OUR dumb Ox. My friend. He’s a good person, he’s been through so much, he fought so hard for all of us and took hits intended our way. 

I had no way to pay penance for my misdeeds in the past towards him, but I offered to carry him. He was still warm but he was no longer there. I couldn’t help but think that I didn’t want to do his funeral rights. I didn’t want to put coins on my friends’ eyes. It was like when Clio fell but so much worse. 

We came out of the room and his father Vaevictus, his grandfather Azorius, and Dia were all there. Vaevictus seemed so upset and it made me angry. Irrationally angry because he wasn’t there for Torag before. But neither was I. I projected my selfish regret on his father and snapped at him. 

I know I push people away. I worry when I don’t that something will happen to them and it will be my fault. If I care, then they are in danger. At least maybe that’s what will happen. Do I take that chance? Do I allow myself to care for these individuals? Because either I admit that they are in my heart in one way or another and potentially lose them, or I don’t ever treat them with the tenderness they deserve and lose them feeling horrible that I never let them know. 

Vaevictus gave something of himself to Torag and somehow brought him back. I guess he is a god. When life returned to Torag’s eyes I promised myself that from now on I would see him as he truly is, and not the offenses I perceived by him. If I ever call him an ox again, I hope he knows it’s a term of endearment now. 

I went to help Actaeon afterwards, he was dissecting the behir. It was a gruesome and disturbing sight. I thought of what he said about how humans in particular view death but I think that may just be him. Does he know how to grieve? I don’t fully understand what he has lost but I do understand when someone is avoiding feeling things. I do it as well. It’s easier to keep moving when you are numb. 

If I haven’t said it enough, I love you, Herkus. I need you to know that, and I pray that there aren’t terrible consequences in my saying it.