Letter 18


What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just BE one way or the other? Sometimes it’s all I can do to not reject my kind for what they did to me in the past. And other times… I have such pride in my race and I feel it so personally when… Oh Herkus… We were attacked by some Vega. It was awful. I couldn’t help but start crying. I’m not sure if it was more from fear or frustration. I feel like such a coward. I watched my comrades and I thought of the Oath of Friendship and I knew how easily things could go south for our party. I told them to do what they needed to. I killed my kind alongside them. I broke down to Actaeon and begged him to leave their bodies alone. He tends to take hands from the dead. I don’t understand it but it seemed even more horrible at this time for some reason. I’m so ashamed. What loyalty do I owe the Vega? What pride do I have or should have? 

Later in the cave Actaeon attempted to comfort me in his own way. He said that mortals or rather humans treat death differently. That our path is paved in blood and that he hoped I could steel my heart against the pain that could bring. I told him that I would do whatever it takes to help our party, change into any beast. I take my oath of friendship seriously. I just wish my mind would stop flipping back and forth because in my heart I know where my loyalty lies. We spoke a bit about our personal strengths and I felt so guilty. I guess Actaeon picked up on that because he said it was a sign that I held onto my humanity… centaurity… sylvanity? Clio was helping me brush my hair. More seeds and such came out. Clio found a cotinga nest in it at one point. I hope the bird is okay. I ended up asking Actaeon about his tattoo. Turns out he did it to himself on purpose. It was wise words from a friend he wanted to keep with him. We all had an interesting conversation about why mortals would want to “enhance” their bodies that way. Flee asked about my tattoo. I suppose it was unavoidable bc I brought it up with Actaeon. I wasn’t sure what to say. You and I never really discussed it so I don’t know how much I’m supposed to share. I explained when and who gave it to me, and how it’s inherited. And I confirmed that it’s a curse. Oh Herkus, I’m such a coward. I showed them my back and then all I could think of was how I was treated whenever the Tribe would see more of it than they wanted to. I got flustered and then switched to fey when Clio asked further questions to protect myself. I wish I could just tell them everything. But I don’t understand any of it either.