River, I messed up. I don’t think I should be here. At this point I feel like I am doing more harm than good. It started when three dragons and their dragonriders came to us. That’s right, these are dragons… copper dragons. When they landed, I could tell by the way they were dressed that these dragonriders were captains under King Acastus’s command. Captain Tarkon gave us a note from King Acastus. He wanted us to come to Ellandyr to help them with the current hurricane crisis. Captain Tarkon also mentioned that the Ellandyr courts have not been able to make a decision on what to do with this hurricane and were hoping for us to come and add a vote to help decide the appropriate course of action. From working with King Acastus, I know he always has a personal agenda. He is very charismatic and anything he does is to help build his reputation. He wants to be the one that restores the dragonlords, hence the dragons that arrived, and he wants to be the one to save the people. Everything he does occurs in public to build his ego. I believe that he might be using us to build upon that reputation.. I think we pose a threat to his established “Dragonlords” and this makes me uneasy.
With that said, there are a few things that didn’t make sense. 1) These “dragonlords” were here to escort us back to Ellandyr or they would be punished. However, if we were to be attacked by some other foe, the “dragonlords” cannot assist us because they fear for their dragons. Why are we so important to be summoned to Ellandyr but not important enough to assist us if we were in danger? 2) The dragons have been gone for over 500 years. How did King Acastus suddenly have dragons?
I wanted to ask the captains about the first item on my list that didn’t make sense, but Flee placed a spell on me that made it so I couldn’t speak. Needless to say, I was furious. Flee later explained that she didn’t want us to show our suspicion so that they could relay our distrust to the king. That makes sense, and I let my ego get in the way. I spent most of adulthood serving Ellandyr and the army. I understand the social dynamics in Ellandyr a lot better than Flee, but she was telling me how we should navigate this situation. I felt like she should have trusted by judgement more but that doesn’t excuse my behaviour. I yelled at her… and I feel terrible. Reminds me of the times I lost my temper with Rare. I was never a good father. Do not roll your eyes at me! Rare deserved a lot better father than I. Flee and I were able to talk and we did apologize to each other while we were traveling to Ellandyr with the “dragonlords” leading the way in the sky.
I told Flee how she reminded me of Rare and I would hope for Rare to grow up to be like her. I also told her that I heard Khar’shan’s voice right before everything went wrong. Flee told me that she saw symbols of Amalj’aa in the sky right before her ship sunk from a storm. If the titans have this kind of power, how do we have any chance of being successful in our venture? I asked Flee if she thought I was crazy. I was a little hurt because I did talk to one of the dragons about my concerns about the king and he poked fun at my insanity. I don’t think he realized that I am most likely crazy. Flee says I’m not, but I feel like I’m losing my mind. I promise, though, I will never yell at Flee ever again. It makes me sick that I did. She deserves better than that… They both deserve better.
We made it to the jungle and made camp for the night. I set up a few snares to help catch us some food and help Briar with her new armour. As we were busy setting up camp, a good number of velociraptors and a few rip-jaw raptors intruded on our campsite. To be honest, they didn’t pose a challenge for us. We are a strong group. However, there was one velociprator that got caught in one of my traps. I was about to offer it some food and let it loose, but Torag came over… I told him not to kill it but he didn’t listen. Again, I let my anger get the better of me. I attacked him. I didn’t use my weapons, but I did use my claws and I did deal a fair amount of damage. I must have made him angry because he gave me a few good punches that hurt… a lot! He then ran off, and I couldn’t help but call him a coward. I ran off as well.
I just wanted to be alone. I saw Flee looking for me, and I am grateful that she treated that velociraptor with so much respect, but I was hurt… I was stewing in my anger and grief. I should not have attacked Torag. I don’t understand why he had to hurt a defenseless, snared velociraptor, but that was not a good excuse to start a battle between us. Again, I let my anger get the best of me. I am not sure quite why but it hurt to see that velociraptor die.
I followed Flee (stealthily) back to camp. I stayed hidden by a nearby tree and observed from afar. Thumble found me and came to comfort me. He is a good boy. I didn’t think I would need to say this but I am lucky to have this egg-snatcher. The only reason Thumble is here with us is because Actaeon provoked Triple A to eat the original egg-snatcher I tried to keep… Why do my companions like to kill the animals that I want to befriend? I also promise that I will not attack one of my companions ever again. That makes two promises I am making in this journal entry: 1)I will never yell at Flee ever again. 2) I will not attack one of my companions ever again. I guess I shouldn’t try to befriend anyone that I ensnare because my companions will kill them anyways.
As I was hanging out with Thumble, I could see that Briar and Actaeon were struggling with skinning the dinosaurs for Briar’s armour. I nodded for Thumble to come follow me and I helped Briar with her armour. Three of the velociraptors were burned to a crisp and thier skin and muscle were melted together… These were not usable. However, there were plenty of other raptors that were in good condition to complete Briar’s armour. As Briar was assisting with me skinning these raptors, Flee made an excellent cake. I gotta say that was better than any cake that my own mom had ever made. i didn’t see Torag again that night… But I figured he was okay… It’s hard for me to feel any concern for Torag right now as I am still trying to recover from the rage I experienced.
Flee and I took the first watch that night. She has such a gentle heart. She asked me why I set up snares but then tried to befriend some of them. I then realized that I sometimes see these animals and it reminds me of home. Thumble reminds me of the egg-snatchers on my family’s farm. I guess I have been attempting to collect little pieces of home and trying to reform some kind of family that I am familiar with. I conveyed my thoughts to Flee. I know I am not her father but I can’t help but look at her as one of my own. I wonder if she would take offense to that.
River, I will keep going. I must keep going… but again I wonder if there was a mistake. I shouldn’t be here with this group. I wonder if I should go and search for you on my own and stop believing in this notion that I was chosen to help bring down the titans. This group needs someone who can unify, strengthen, and lead. If there’s anything I learned today, its that I am not what this group needs. If anything, I create tension and disunity among my comrades. I miss you so much… I want to hold you and Rare so that I can heal from this void in my heart.
Your broken so-called “husband”,